Archive | January 2014

On My Own

SO GOD, NOW WHAT?

About two years, 7 months, 4 days, and 11 hours ago, my husband packed a bag and left our home.

As of 4am, my husband left. He came in the bedroom at 3am (actually 4am because daylight savings time was this morning). It sounded like he dropped something on the chest of drawers to wake me up. He says his hand bumped into something that fell. He took his clothes off and got into bed. I asked him where he had been. He said he’d been here (in the house) all along. I went to bed about 2am (before the clocks changed). My daughter remained downstairs; I don’t know how long or if she saw him come in. It didn’t matter. He went to church a little after 7pm Saturday evening. He said he was going to church; it sounded almost like a question. I asked if it were a question or a statement. He said a statement. This is the second time he went to the church with a friend, did not tell me earlier that he was going, and did not invite anyone else to go with him.

He says they talked afterward. He did not text or call us to let me know where he was. He asked me if I wanted him to go. I said that the issue was whether he wanted to go and why he was treating me like this—disrespectful. I had to ask questions to find out what time he came in (he relunctantly said an hour or two) and why he was late (talked and “that’s about it”). He asked me what I was going to tell the children. I said that it didn’t matter what I was going to tell the children. He did not want to be here. He kept coming back. Why? He had one foot out the door—He was lying, not telling the complete truth, and waiting to be asked before giving any information.

Earlier, he said that he wanted to talk to me today. He asked me to go to Panera’s but I couldn’t go; I wasn’t ready. We were supposed to talk Sunday AM or PM. I’m not sure what he wanted to talk about. Last week, we talked about how the situation was not working. He said that there was no one else; he made a point of telling me that things were bad and there was no third party involved. I didn’t believe him—He made a point of telling me this and he’s been going places and texting people without telling me anything. He’s been distant. He doesn’t pay the bills or give me money (he gave me about $40 the first couple of weeks at this job). He didn’t want to tell me what he was doing with the money, just that he had things to do and he didn’t want me to interfere with whatever he was doing with the money. I asked him for grocery money today; he gave me $50. I told him I needed $70; usually $60 but we had extra family in the house this week). He only gave me $60. He asked whether there was a certain amount. I told him previously that I needed $60/wk. He remembered the amount when I asked for $70. He didn’t want to give me that.

It’s scary. Someone just came Saturday to repay a large sum of money. Then, my husband gets up, puts on his clothes, and leaves with a bag of clothes in his hand. What’s about to happen? Am I free and don’t know it? Or, am I about to be punished? I’m not going to look back. I have been thinking about the Scripture that says that it is better to make it into heaven without an eye or hand than to miss heaven all together.

I don’t know what is going on with him. I don’t know what I’m going to do next. What DO I tell the children? The girls are going back to school today. This was the last day of spring break. Do I go to church this morning or cancel?

I didn’t push him out. He left because he wasn’t satisfied with me. And I couldn’t whole-heartedly try to make things work not knowing when he’d find someone else to replace me. If I really thought about it, he had been looking since we got married. He told me that after one of our arguments, he decided to find someone to have sex with since I was uncooperative. This was before the first child, probably at our first apartment; he used to leave the house when we had arguments. I suspected he was trying to see his former girlfriend because he would go over to his mother’s house when I was at college. He, his sister, and his former girlfriend (his sister’s best friend) would be together. A few years later, the ex-girlfriend assured me that she did not try to get him back, but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t try to get her back.

Twenty-eight years, five children, and several girlfriends later, I’m free. He’s free. We are FREE. Now what?

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FROM THE BELLY OF THE FISH

FROM THE BELLY OF THE FISH

 Part 2—Getting Out of a Bad Situation

Depression—What causes it?

Mind/Mental Turmoil—I’m not able to do what I want to do without friction.

Body/Physical Control—The only thing I really have control over is my body…sometimes.

Spirit/Spiritual Anguish—I’m constantly aching to be free from restrictions of my mind
and body.

First Thought: I want to be FREE.

Second Thought: Get rid of the environmental restrictions. Clean the house from top to bottom. Remove any clutter, for example: things I don’t use, things I haven’t used in a while, and things I have been intending to use but am not using. [Try to gain control of the situation by implementing control over my natural surroundings. This makes me feel strong and helps me to think that victory over the situation is possible.]

Third Thought: Make decisions and write them down so that I don’t forget or get whimpy.

Decisions about:

Person—Who or what do I want to be?

Place—Am I going to stay in this physical residence with these people?

What—What actions am I going to take to better myself and condition?

When—What is the schedule for the transformation?

Why—Do I have pure motives or am I trying to hurt someone else? [This usually backfires
because a decision to change my situation and circumstances will generally hurt
someone else who desires for the situation to remain constant.]

How—Develop a strategy for accomplishing tasks that is agreeable with current situation,

resources, and expectations.

Fourth Thought: Start implementing the plan.

Fifth Thought: Realize that everything is not going to happen all at once. Rejoice in the little victories. Expect the next accomplishments.

Sixth Thought: Take note of the large victories—projects that involved many tasks.

Seventh Thought: Know that I am making my life better, I will feel better, and I will be an encouragement to others. I need to make myself strong in order to be a help to others.