From the Belly of the Fish

Three years ago, I started a journal of my feelings about my failing marriage. Suffering for almost 30 years, all the children in college or pursuing their careers, I finally saw the jigsaw puzzle and how many pieces were missing or forced to fit.

As a Christian, I did not believe in divorce. It’s funny how the Holy Spirit helps me to see my prejudices and need for His mercy and grace. I felt that marriage was supposed to be “for as long as we both shall live.” I did not believe in leeway for anything, including adultery (which the Bible speaks of as a reason for divorce). I suffered so many years because I refused to see the truth—my husband’s unfaithfulness to me and God, I refused to align my beliefs with the scriptures concerning adultery and divorce, and I depended on my ideals to remain married my entire life to one husband and raise my children with their father.

I still believe that marriage is sacred and that it should be with one person for an entire lifetime. I believe others have attained and maintained this beautiful union before and with God. My marriage (notice I don’t say “our”) was based on I Corinthians 7:9, “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (NIV) We used the KJV: “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. “Burn” to us meant burn in hell for committing fornication in our minds and with our bodies.

We were immature. We were seeking replacements for parents who emotionally abandoned us and mothers who allowed us to be kicked out of our homes by their live-in boyfriends. We were immature Christians. Over the years, we managed to stay in church and raise a family; however growth was sporadic and sometimes short-lived.

The writings in this section will be from my journey ‘from the belly of the fish.’ (Jonah)


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